Clandestine Royal Read online

  Alex and I had a thing in common as of late, we both liked variety, after all, it was the spice of life. But his tastes did go more left than right. The second thing the King and I had in common was that his wife was the centre of our universe but for very different reasons.

  Years ago, we spent our afternoons playing in the gardens of the palace dreaming of the day we would walk the grounds as rulers.

  Sarafina had been moved to London after being raised in the country for the first fifteen years of her life. It was a strategic move on the part of her cousin—the late queen’s advisor—to bring her in front of Alex and me when we were just coming into our own. She’d been ripe with life, mildly impressionable, untouched and bred for a king. Alex and I had fumbled over each other for the first few months in an attempt to woo her.

  I could still remember the reward the first time my lips touched hers. Alex had bowed out gracefully, but it was never really a contest. The first time our eyes met, and her perfect lips turned up, it was over.

  Sarafina was to be announced as queen consort just after I was crowned. I had no intention of living a sterile life, and with her breeding and background it worked out perfectly that we loved each other.

  I raced through the streets in an attempt to blur out the first time I’d kissed her. When she first arrived, she’d snubbed me at every turn and told me she wanted to marry a man with poetry in his heart and love in his veins. She’d thrown down the gauntlet and I was all too eager to meet her demands. At one point I’d penned a poem for her, which she told me she loved by reward of a kiss while my fingers explored under her skirt. That was the night we declared our love, the night I took her innocence, the night we swore forever.

  It meant nothing.

  Those memories were a farce, just like the dreams we shared. The minute I lost power, I lost her, and she let it happen.

  Bygones . . .except not.

  I whipped into the parking lot and buttoned my jacket. I had a little less than two months to set my plan into motion. And after five years, it was time to finally look at her. I just wasn’t sure of what I would see.

  Three

  Sarafina

  “I dreamt of an angel last night with fair hair and swollen-sweet lips.”

  My heart skipped every time I watched the door, only to be disappointed.

  “The Duke sends his regrets,” was more common of a statement than the twenty or so minutes of presence we were scarcely graced with.

  He hadn’t shown again today, and I expected as much. I should have known better, but a part of me had hoped. Hoping was mostly in vain at that point. I’d tried so hard to reach him in the last five years, but he hadn’t, not once looked at me. Even when I addressed him as his queen, he obliged but never really looked at me, instead, through me with a cold, dead stare.

  He didn’t respect me, and I didn’t expect him to. Alex had left him completely to his own devices after he’d spilt his secret to earn the throne and I’d watched it happen. Months before the late Queen’s death, Alex had all but persecuted Luke’s mother before him. I’d never felt so helpless and so numb. The worst part was watching the Queen’s tirade on her brother before turning to Luke for admission of the truth.

  And then the Queen had turned to me and made me confess my love’s only secret, and our life was over. The life we dreamt of with clasped hands on long walks. Alex was far more well-mannered for a king, but Luke would have made himself a hero with the job. Luke’s temperament hadn’t cost him anything, it was me who cost him the throne. I told the truth and accepted Alex’s proposal and it secured my place as Queen. I did it all. I bought my misery with the truth, and I should have lied. That’s all I wanted to tell him. I would beg his forgiveness, I would give anything for him to hear me say those words.

  “I dreamt of days spent smiling across tables full of gold-coloured matters while we kept our crimson secret.”

  Luke’s eyes glazed over the minute the truth spilt from my lips. I’d never seen anything like it, and I never would see the man I fell in love with again. We’d spent years making promises to the other, years he loved me with his every breath. And with one traitorous exhale, I lost that love.

  I lost my soul.

  I became a queen.

  Those who governed before, those I’d admired, had made plenty of personal sacrifices for the greater good, and I flattered myself that I would be one of those, putting country over personal concern. My hope was to be wise beyond my years and statuesque upon observance. I prayed my tells were seamlessly hidden.

  The truth was, after suffering in my torturous position, I wanted nothing more than to hand my new crown and ring back to Alex. Without Luke, I was barren in every sense of the word. There would be no heir with Alex, well…unless we decided to share our bed again.

  Alex loved me the only way he could, and it was more than I could ask. Deep inside, I knew he wanted to rule my heart, but after years of being disenchanted by my pain at the loss of Luke, and the endless pressures of the throne, he caved to what was convenient.

  I wanted nothing but Luke, nothing but him.

  My breath caught as Luke finally strode into the room looking dashing as ever—suit tailored to perfection, his dark hair styled up in defiant spikes where his crown should lay. Dark brown eyes scoured the room and for the first time in almost two thousand days, they found mine. His smirk was subtle, but I was breathless at the sight of it. He had searched for me. Once I’d recovered, I realised my hand was on my chest and pulled it away. That earned me a deeper smirk.

  “And this is Leslie.” The governess spoke about the baby on her hip as I bent down and grabbed her finger with mine. She looked over at me with doe eyes the colour of Luke’s.

  “Hi Leslie,” I whispered as I mourned the part of me longing for past plans that were supposed to be my future.

  “And I would never rule her as a king, but love her as a man though she would always be my queen.”

  “My queen.” I gasped as Luke moved to stand next to me and flashed a smile for the cameras.

  Taking the baby in my arms, I smiled next to him utterly speechless. Five long years without a single look, and without rehearsed words. He’d tortured me with his absence and refused me at every turn. The governess stepped away as the cameras clicked. The baby gravitated towards Luke—arms out and he obliged pulling her to him. Tears threatened as I watched his lashes flit over his cheeks and his lips move to soothe her. She played on his attention and gave him a whimper as he cradled her in his arms.

  “Don’t worry, love, it’s all one big show.” Slighted, and disheartened by his words I hid my disappointment and kept my smile.

  “Maybe your queen will help you today, because a poorly spirit can always be made better with something shiny, right?” Our eyes connected briefly, and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. I still loved him so much more than I could have imagined.

  “Please, talk to me,” I whispered as we again exchanged the baby.

  “Didn’t I just?”

  “Tonight, the garden,” I begged as his fingers brushed my arm, sending a shiver down my spine. I gave the baby to the governess and thanked her.

  “I’ll be at dinner tonight due to the royal invitation.”

  “I want to speak to you after,” I said, leaning in as though we were having the most pleasant of conversations. Luke played along.

  “I’ve other plans.”

  “Break them.”

  “Demanding little queen, aren’t we? I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise you a good bedtime story.”

  “I’m serious.”

  His eyes bore into mine briefly. “So am I.”

  Swallowing, I took a step back, a sign to my guards I was ready and turned back to Luke with hopeful eyes. “Please come.”

  His expression was unreadable. “Safe trip back to Alex.”

  Every fibre of my body lit up in pain at the mention of his name, but Luke seemed unaffected. Of course he would be, it migh
t have been five years in my heart, but I’d been dismissed by Luke soon after my marriage. Luke was notorious for entertaining a drove of women and through channels I’d be better off without, I’d heard details of too many of his affairs.

  Four

  Sarafina

  Alex stood in his bedroom in nothing but his trousers as he clasped his watch. His eyes were alight on the footage of the orphanage that day.

  “Luke spoke to you?”

  “Not really, no.”

  The tension was palpable on screen and I cringed when I saw the look on my face.

  “Need a better game face, darling.” He glanced over at me. “It’s way too obvious…still.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I knew you loved him when we wed.”

  “Why, why did you marry me?”

  “Because while I’m selfish and I’ve always wanted you, I knew you were selfish too and wanted the crown.”

  “That’s not what I wanted.”

  “It’s all you talked about when we were young.”

  “Maybe, but it’s not all I cared about. Not at this cost. Alex…”

  His eyes snapped to mine. “You can’t be happy with me.”

  “Happiness may not be in our cards, Fina.”

  “What if we try again?”

  He slid his hands in his trouser pockets and glanced down at the floor. “I’ve been horribly unfaithful to you.”

  “I know. But I can’t breathe like this. I can’t not…” I moved towards him and cupped his jaw. “We can try.”

  Alex sighed. “I’m committed at the moment.”

  “In love?”

  “It’s mutual and God, Jesus, Fina,” he ran his hands through his dirty blonde hair. “I didn’t think you would ever come back to me, and if I thought you might, I never would have strayed.”

  I fisted my hands at my sides as his eyes narrowed.

  “But it’s not out of love and longing for me that you again want your king, it’s because you saw him, and it stung.”

  “What does it matter?”

  He closed the space between us in an instant and crushed my mouth to his, I moaned in response as his hands covered me. Threading my fingers through his hair, I sank into his frame. Thrusting his tongue in, he tasted every inch, my flesh burning with a need to release. It had been far too long. Six months after we were married we consummated our union. Alex gave me time to grieve Luke. It was just enough time for me to get lonely in the way of touch. Alex wanted to try for a child and I gave him three months. For three months we remained locked in a bedroom as new lovers and it felt more like an experiment. It wasn’t supposed to be real, but how I prayed it would be. Some part of me wanted the marriage to work, but my heart had only been faithful to one man, and it wasn’t my husband.

  Alex and I might no longer share a bed, but we had at one point shared a strong friendship. I never brought up his lovers and he never questioned me, but he knew he didn’t have to. I’d never slept with anyone other than Luke and that was before we were married, when they were the best of friends. Cousins by birth but brothers at heart. That was when Alex knew better than to try to lay claim to me.

  I gave into his needy kiss as he found his way under my skirt, his fingers skimming across my knickers. Breathless, we pulled away as his eyes engaged mine and his fingers found me soaked.

  “You are so wet.”

  “I am.” And it was the truth, but it wasn’t from his touch or his kiss. It was from the memory of being touched with far more reverence by a man who commanded me body and soul. Alex read my lie far too easily.

  “Until I can believe you are wet for me, I won’t try.”

  He released me then and pulled a shirt off a waiting hanger. “I love you, Fina. I’m just not so much in love with you anymore. We knew this was going to be the case.”

  “I can’t just fuck anyone,” I snapped, pulling off my knickers and unfastening my dress. “I can’t be so free-spirited as you.”

  “Don’t make a mockery of the throne. Be discrete and there won’t be consequences.”

  “You would divorce me?”

  “Does that give you hope?” He scoffed. “He clearly wants nothing to do with you. When we wed, I thought I was getting you and the throne, turns out I just got the crown.”

  Tears flooded my vision. “Please don’t make me hate you.”

  “I can only handle so much rejection.”

  I stood naked before him as his eyes scoured me from head to toe. I felt his lust, his need. It was still there.

  “And what is it you are dishing out to me now? I’m standing here asking to be your wife. If this is all we are left with why not try to make it work?”

  He took a tentative step forward and faltered.

  “You were so much more than this before, is there no decency left in you?”

  For a moment, a hint of remorse covered his features. “I can try to be faithful to you, Fina, I can. And if this is truly what you wanted, I would if I had your heart.”

  “And he has no part of it.” It wasn’t a question.

  Alex slowly nodded.

  “I don’t know when that will be,” I said honestly.

  “And so, we are what we are. But I will advise you to choose wisely with whom you consort with.”

  I slipped on one of his t-shirts to make my way to my bedroom.

  “As if you do the same. This is ungodly.”

  “This is monarchy,” he said, turning his back to me while he fastened his shirt. I snapped his door shut as I sank into a heap behind it.

  That night at dinner, as if cruel fate hadn’t decided to be done with me, I was forced to sit across from Luke as he shamelessly flirted with one of my visiting cousins.

  “The man has no dignity,” Olivia, my dear friend and advisor, hissed as she openly glared across the table at Luke. “He has no idea you saved him, does he?” She looked at me with clear accusation. “You still haven’t told him.”

  Luke thought my betrayal had to do with my crown, but that part was forced upon me by the late queen. It was her condition for me to marry Alex once he’d taken the throne.

  On that horrible night when Luke had fled London for a year, the Queen had threatened to strip him of his title, further ruining his family’s reputation. It was more than I could bear. I agreed then to take Alex’s hand if Luke’s secret was kept safe behind royal walls. Speculation was one thing, but no one, not even the Queen wanted a royal scandal. Still, the Queen used her leverage to grant her favourite nephew the desires of his heart. She knew Alex wanted me, and in some sick way, I think she was proud of Alex for making his play for the throne. I still hadn’t forgiven Alex for taking what was rightfully Luke’s, but he saw it differently. He claimed Luke’s mother was a disgrace and hid behind Luke’s maternity to stake his claim. Alex never owned up to his part in Luke’s downfall. Sometimes I think Alex and the Queen had an arrangement before that night, but I would never know otherwise. Alex remained tight-lipped. I presumed his only conspirator was dead, and he now wore the crown. It was over in a way things could never be changed.

  Olivia spoke up beside me. “He’s constantly looking at you, stop staring at your soup.”

  “I don’t want his attention if it’s split between me and someone else.”

  “It’s been five years, Fina, aren’t you any better off yet?”

  I braved a glance across the table to meet Luke’s turbulent brown gaze. He drew his brows, studying me before they flit away.

  “No. Every second has been agony.”

  “Fina,” Olivia whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

  I sipped on my wine and began cutting into the chicken I wouldn’t eat. “I tried to initiate the talk with Alex today. He knows I’m still not over it.”

  “You’re on dangerous ground. The people are calling for an heir.”

  “This isn’t the old days. We married very young.”

  “No, but it’s just as important.”

  �
�They can wait.” Speculation was starting to run rampant after years of marriage without any children. Alex and I were desperately trying to bat away any doubts about our union, but the longer we waited, the longer we were in jeopardy of those watchful stares and wagging chins making a spectacle of our marriage. A shaky marriage gave the people more liberty to question our ability to reign. We both knew we couldn’t wait much longer. With Alex’s refusal to try and make it work and my heart lost to a man who sat only feet away, the feat seemed impossible.

  “He’s looking at you again. This is odd, he’s avoided you for years.”

  “I know.”

  “I wonder what’s going on with him.”

  “I told him I wanted to talk to him in the garden after dinner.”

  “Is that wise?”

  “I don’t really care at this point.”

  “He’s only gotten better looking.”

  “Livi,” I scorned.

  “If the rumours are true, this could be fun for you.”

  I had zero doubts the rumours were true, Luke knew what he was doing. He’d been my first kiss, my first love, and the man who took my virginity. We got lost in each other daily up until the day I lost him. Our appetites were similar, insatiable. As if reading my thoughts, his dark eyes lifted to meet mine. Briefly, I saw his anger, but it was quickly replaced with lust. Mouth parted, I stared back, too afraid to break our connection even to spare the King the embarrassment of his wife openly lusting over someone else. Desperation oozed from me as I held onto every second of that needful gaze. Face flaming, I swallowed as a manicured nail touched the lapel of Luke’s tuxedo jacket. Glaring at my cousin, she smirked back at me as Luke leaned in to whisper to her. Livid, I drank my wine and cleared my throat before I turned to Olivia.

  She shook her head with a clear ‘here we go again’ before diving back into her meal and avoiding more conversation with me. Maybe I would never learn, maybe I was destined to be the fool, forever in love with Luke.